Go to Sleep You Animal

I’m stricken with a terrible indecision. Barely comprehensible by my mind, as it dwells in the logic starved landscape that is my heart. This indecision, I couldn’t explain how it qualifies as such. I only know that it is the only word I can affix to my conundrum. My problem without reason. My baseless assumptions that leave me feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

I write and write about how I need another. But my heart doesn’t open. I pour out my soul to describe how empty I feel without someone else, but that soul refuses to swell with the tell tale signs of affection.

Instead I just leave myself to dread every time I lay down in bed because I know in my head that my heartache waits there to be fed. Fed by a stubborn heart that refuses to love. A head full of empty thoughts and self promises of courage. A bed devoid of what I tell myself is the solution. Dread fueled by a fear of my own pain. I wish I knew how to fix myself, but I don’t, so I resign to writing instead.